Thursday, June 28, 2012
Testing...how does this blog stuff work?
If this appears somewhere where it was not wanted...sorry! I don't know what I am doing! o_O
Saturday, July 16, 2011
What a week!
Well to say that it has been one of those weeks...so not true! I have never experienced anything like these last two weeks. One of my close friends was induced and had her baby on 7Jul11 or 7-7-11. Kinda cool date. Anyways, I went to the hospital expecting to be sitting in the waiting room. We had already read online that the hospital's rules were that only 2 people were allowed in the room with a laboring mother...a significant other and a grandparent. Since I am neither and both sets of grandparents were at the hospital as well, I was fairly certain that I would be the odd man out. Much to my surprise, one grandma was taking care of the older brother and the dad was told to go to sleep as he was already falling asleep at 9:30pm. That left me and my friend's mother to help her through her delivery. It was a very entertaining night! At first, I was just watching the monitors and hanging out. Next thing I know, I have been given the task of keeping baby Enoch on the fetal monitor. Sounds simple enough right? Well my friend was not happy laboring in bed while attached to all sorts of monitors and equipment. So I would take off the blood pressure cuff until I saw the timer was getting ready to take her BP...one less thing. I literally chased my friend all over the room trying to keep that heart beat on the monitor. If not, a nurse would come in and shoo my friend back into the bed. Really funny stuff!!! Anyways, after 12 hours, the husband is now awake, labor is really LABOR now and she is hurting. Some pain meds were given, but I didn't notice any relief (and she didn't either she said later). Her husband in on one side, I am on the other and her mom is on her rear...literally! She was having her mom shake her booty to get through the contractions. I was still chasing the baby around and dad is telling her she is okay and she is doing great...and that she is beautiful. That statement struck me as odd...she looked anything but beautiful at that moment to me! I mean it had been hours of torture, rolling around in a bed and was barely covered by the less than modest hospital clothing. At first I was waiting for my friend to say something, but I think she was having her "out of body experience" by then. She is told by the doctors that she can push now...even though she is not fully effaced and not feeling the urge to push. I say nothing...I mean I am not a doctor. So she is now forced to lay on her back and push against her better judgement. She finally gets little Enoch out and I am speechless... I have never seen a human born. I have really dreamed about helping people deliver babies my whole life...now I have actually done it! I start to cry. At first I had thought that I would be jealous of my friend. I really want a baby so bad. I want a family, a husband who loves me and my own children. She has a lot of what I want and I was worried that I might have been envious. I was actually not! I was so thankful that they allowed me to participate. They let me hold their baby...the one they had tried so hard to have, keep in utero, and then deliver. I just cried. I know they thought I was hurting..and deep down I might have been, but mostly I was so grateful that I was able to share in their happiness. I got to see true love between mother and daughter, wife and husband, friend and friend, parents and child...I was so happy, there was no room for envy. Then I stayed overnight the next night to help her with the baby. I could not believe that anyone would allow and trust me enough to let me hold something so precious. It was truly amazing.
So now what? I guess the thing to do is get talking to my "little people" so that I can get more control over myself so my "condition" does not get in the way of me having a similar experience in the future with my husband. Of course I have to find him first, but someday my prince will come. I have said it many times, but I am convinced that anything I have to wait a long time for is perfect for me...not PERFECT, but perfect FOR ME. I am sure of this and have to hold onto it. I am almost 34 years old and that is a long time...my patriarchal blessing promised me I would choose wisely my mate and that I would be esteemed by my husband and children. I know this is true. I just have a hard time with it not being in my timetable but Heavenly Father's.
So I return home and everyone is wondering what has happened to me. I have a history of not being OK after a long disappearance, but I am a little shocked that there is still concern, even though I told people about my plans. I guess I am just not used to "checking in." While it is nice to be missed, I am not used to being cared about to the point where someone is in distress when then cannot locate me! I mean my mother spent great amounts of effort to leave me with all of my siblings and NOT tell me where she was or when she would be back. It is just opposite of everything I have ever learned. It is funny that while I am an adult and know so much colloquially, emotionally I am often clueless! Sometimes Dr Adams will tell me things about people or life and I really can't fathom what she is saying. It is just so contrary to what my "normal" is, I just have a hard time believing it. Then there are things that she just really doesn't understand...like church. She doesn't get the culture. I try to explain, but I think sometimes she is thinking that I am just not getting what real life is! Last week she made a point to tell me that in addition to my requirements of my spouse being of my religion and as devout as I am, she would want me to have someone who is caring, patient, and kind. I never mentioned those things because I can't imagine not wanting them! I thought they were a given! She asked me if I had not ever met someone looking for the bad boy. Not in my circle of friends!
She fussed at me because she felt like I did not give Connie credit for the reason she was worried when I did not call her for more than 12 hours. I guess I need to tell her everything??? I mean I was telling her why I was having a few negative responses to Connie being upset, but really I felt like I had handled the situation very well. I did not get defensive with her, I reminded myself why she was upset and ignored the hurtful things she said, realizing that she was only afraid and told her I was sorry. I also made a mental note to remember how important it was to make contact with her so she doesn't worry. So when my doctor was saying things like can't you see it from her point of view...I was mad, because she hit a button of mine! Whenever I am trying really hard to do my best at something and someone suggests that I am not trying hard enough or doing it at all...it really ticks me off! Sometimes we really clash! Then she seems to blame me! Grrr. I am not sure if that is what is going on, but that is what it feels like. I even tried to ask her about what she was saying and why and she seemed to get defensive!?
So this is where I am going to ask if anyone else has a topic to discuss. I would like it if everyone could pick a favorite color and/or font so we can tell who is talking. :)
I like purple! So it is mine.
I want green and these letters.
So whazup?
When do we get to go see the baby some more I like to hold babies
maybe tomorrow if no horses are still sick and everything is calmed down around here
that means no
NO that means maybe
maybe means no
Sometimes maybe means no and sometimes it means yes
usually maybe means no
I know that sometimes I say maybe so I don't have to say no. It really does depend this time on stuff I can't know until tomorrow. I want to go too so if we stay home it is because we have to...
So are we ever going to go to church? I want to sing and see people.
I have been thinking about it. I am just not sure that everyone is okay with it as we are.
that means no
Well some people are not okay with going to church and we have not gone because we have not came up with an okay plan for everyone. I know it has been a long time, almost a year! I miss my friends too.
It is not my fault!
Who said it was?
Just cause I am scared it is not my fault!
So what are you scared of? Is there something we can do so you are not so scared? Did you know that Daisy was going to go too?
I dunno just stuff.
Can't help if I don't understand.
Well some people are there that I don't like
Tell me who they are and we can stay away from them...Are they there all the time or sometimes?
I can't say because it is the wrong answer
I don't understand. What is the wrong answer?
Everytime I say something it is the wrong answer. I don't like to answer questions because I say the wrong thing and get in trouble.
Who do you say the wrong thing to? Me?
Well no but everyone else and then they say that I am wrong again and then we have to go to the hospital
Who is everyone else?
I don't want to
Don't want to do what?
You know
I do? I don't think so. Ok lets see...lets pretend that we are going to go to church tomorrow...how should we get there? Should we drive there by ourselves or get a ride or go pick someone else up to go with us?
I don't care
I want to go with someone else
me too
Ok, we can get a ride. So then if we went tomorrow and got a ride, how long should we stay?
I want to stay until it is all done and talk to lots of people and then go to someones house too. Can we go to someones house after?
Can we stay as long as that baby is there
But I dont want to go..too scared
What if we only stay for a little bit?
Like five minets?
not fair
I just want to hold the baby
but I want to stay
Me too but I dont want to go to the doctors and if we go and anyone is scared or doesnt want to go then something may happen and when other people get scared, we go to the doctor.
ok but it is still not fair
well there are no babies at the doctors
So what if we just stayed for the first part...one hour
ok this time just part
but the baby will be there
probablly some baby will be there like usual
ok I want to go to hold a baby
I dont want to..cause it is too long
well how about you say how long...but still thinking that we are going. What do you want to do? Think about it and tell me later :)
So now what? I guess the thing to do is get talking to my "little people" so that I can get more control over myself so my "condition" does not get in the way of me having a similar experience in the future with my husband. Of course I have to find him first, but someday my prince will come. I have said it many times, but I am convinced that anything I have to wait a long time for is perfect for me...not PERFECT, but perfect FOR ME. I am sure of this and have to hold onto it. I am almost 34 years old and that is a long time...my patriarchal blessing promised me I would choose wisely my mate and that I would be esteemed by my husband and children. I know this is true. I just have a hard time with it not being in my timetable but Heavenly Father's.
So I return home and everyone is wondering what has happened to me. I have a history of not being OK after a long disappearance, but I am a little shocked that there is still concern, even though I told people about my plans. I guess I am just not used to "checking in." While it is nice to be missed, I am not used to being cared about to the point where someone is in distress when then cannot locate me! I mean my mother spent great amounts of effort to leave me with all of my siblings and NOT tell me where she was or when she would be back. It is just opposite of everything I have ever learned. It is funny that while I am an adult and know so much colloquially, emotionally I am often clueless! Sometimes Dr Adams will tell me things about people or life and I really can't fathom what she is saying. It is just so contrary to what my "normal" is, I just have a hard time believing it. Then there are things that she just really doesn't understand...like church. She doesn't get the culture. I try to explain, but I think sometimes she is thinking that I am just not getting what real life is! Last week she made a point to tell me that in addition to my requirements of my spouse being of my religion and as devout as I am, she would want me to have someone who is caring, patient, and kind. I never mentioned those things because I can't imagine not wanting them! I thought they were a given! She asked me if I had not ever met someone looking for the bad boy. Not in my circle of friends!
She fussed at me because she felt like I did not give Connie credit for the reason she was worried when I did not call her for more than 12 hours. I guess I need to tell her everything??? I mean I was telling her why I was having a few negative responses to Connie being upset, but really I felt like I had handled the situation very well. I did not get defensive with her, I reminded myself why she was upset and ignored the hurtful things she said, realizing that she was only afraid and told her I was sorry. I also made a mental note to remember how important it was to make contact with her so she doesn't worry. So when my doctor was saying things like can't you see it from her point of view...I was mad, because she hit a button of mine! Whenever I am trying really hard to do my best at something and someone suggests that I am not trying hard enough or doing it at all...it really ticks me off! Sometimes we really clash! Then she seems to blame me! Grrr. I am not sure if that is what is going on, but that is what it feels like. I even tried to ask her about what she was saying and why and she seemed to get defensive!?
So this is where I am going to ask if anyone else has a topic to discuss. I would like it if everyone could pick a favorite color and/or font so we can tell who is talking. :)
I like purple! So it is mine.
I want green and these letters.
So whazup?
When do we get to go see the baby some more I like to hold babies
maybe tomorrow if no horses are still sick and everything is calmed down around here
that means no
NO that means maybe
maybe means no
Sometimes maybe means no and sometimes it means yes
usually maybe means no
I know that sometimes I say maybe so I don't have to say no. It really does depend this time on stuff I can't know until tomorrow. I want to go too so if we stay home it is because we have to...
So are we ever going to go to church? I want to sing and see people.
I have been thinking about it. I am just not sure that everyone is okay with it as we are.
that means no
Well some people are not okay with going to church and we have not gone because we have not came up with an okay plan for everyone. I know it has been a long time, almost a year! I miss my friends too.
It is not my fault!
Who said it was?
Just cause I am scared it is not my fault!
So what are you scared of? Is there something we can do so you are not so scared? Did you know that Daisy was going to go too?
I dunno just stuff.
Can't help if I don't understand.
Well some people are there that I don't like
Tell me who they are and we can stay away from them...Are they there all the time or sometimes?
I can't say because it is the wrong answer
I don't understand. What is the wrong answer?
Everytime I say something it is the wrong answer. I don't like to answer questions because I say the wrong thing and get in trouble.
Who do you say the wrong thing to? Me?
Well no but everyone else and then they say that I am wrong again and then we have to go to the hospital
Who is everyone else?
I don't want to
Don't want to do what?
You know
I do? I don't think so. Ok lets see...lets pretend that we are going to go to church tomorrow...how should we get there? Should we drive there by ourselves or get a ride or go pick someone else up to go with us?
I don't care
I want to go with someone else
me too
Ok, we can get a ride. So then if we went tomorrow and got a ride, how long should we stay?
I want to stay until it is all done and talk to lots of people and then go to someones house too. Can we go to someones house after?
Can we stay as long as that baby is there
But I dont want to go..too scared
What if we only stay for a little bit?
Like five minets?
not fair
I just want to hold the baby
but I want to stay
Me too but I dont want to go to the doctors and if we go and anyone is scared or doesnt want to go then something may happen and when other people get scared, we go to the doctor.
ok but it is still not fair
well there are no babies at the doctors
So what if we just stayed for the first part...one hour
ok this time just part
but the baby will be there
probablly some baby will be there like usual
ok I want to go to hold a baby
I dont want to..cause it is too long
well how about you say how long...but still thinking that we are going. What do you want to do? Think about it and tell me later :)
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